20/12/2018 0 Comments More 2 minute noodles. How lazy am I?So I haven't posted here because my occasional obsession of photography became an all encompassing obsession. Sorry to my kids who haven't seen me most nights. Anyway Christmas is coming and it's asymptotic like how the tasks you have to do suddenly shoot up in a huge list. Especially when you're like me and other things are way more appealing - like photographing beautiful babies, and editing photos and then deciding it's a prority to wash the cushion covers on the couch even though the whole house looks like a shithole. You can't even see the floor on my side of the bed. And Guitarman is all smug because he put away the three tee shirts that he owns.
Anyway the other night in a fit of mother guilt I thought I had better cook dinner. It was late, and I am so tired I can barely remember what was happening. But I picked kids up from somewhere or something and got home about 8. The night before Guitarman and I went and got the Pizza we had won at the pub quiz, and I furnished for the kid's dinner slices of chocolate cheesecake I'd been given when photographing the new baby. Not perfect parenting, but one that worked. Anyway the upshot of this is that I thought I had better cook something. Shit. As an aside I had cheesecake for breakfast and it delicious. I looked in the cupboards at a massive pack of noodles so made this, and they (a) actually ate it and (b) said it tasted real good and got seconds. It may have been the dearth of homecooked meals that made that happen but I'll take it. It is easy as to make, and you don't even feel (that) shit for feeding your kids on noodles (again). You need
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On Saturday I was photographing hard out which is my occasional hobby (intense obsession). I had to shoot home to drop off my model (my daughter, but model sounds way more professional) and was hungry as for Ramen. Instead I made this and it was so flash and delicious I thought I share it here.
Note that the photo was taken with my phone and glass bit has fallen out of my lens so it's crap. i could have got my camera but that meant going downstairs into the car, running back up the stairs to get the car keys because it was locked and then going back down again. And we'd already started eating, so I couldn't be arsed. Normally I hate 2-minute noodles due to overeating them in my youth mixed with canned tuna. But desperate times (I haven't been shopping for ages) result in desperate measures. These look flash as and you could serve them for dinner at a dinner party even. It's that good. You need for two serves
25/5/2018 0 Comments Teriyaki Chicken / TofuSo the last post I wrote in this section was when I was wasted on Morphine in Hospital. The good news is I did live, but got fuck all sympathy from my family and friends. I had to get an operation and everything afterwards. If you want to see what I had you can check it out here - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ascending_cholangitis. Look Maria I'm still milking it. I don't have a photo of the dish, but I do have a photo of Joe-dog, also known as Dick and Chook-chook also known as Goldilocks or Porkbun (which is huge bone of contention in my house so don't even ask). Chook-chook is obviously a chicken so there's the link. Anyway the other night the man and I decided on a hot date at Rising Tide for dumplings and beer. Monday night $5 dumplings and $5 beer means you cannot go wrong. I normally make the kids make their own dinner when I go out, in the interests of making them independent and shit, but thought I'd be kind as and made dinner for them. And because I am kind as you get the recipe. It is easy as - I made chicken in a big pan and tofu in a little pan and everyone was happy, even if I burned the tofu one. You need:
23/1/2018 0 Comments Gut flora or gross bugs inside youSo at the moment im in hospital, and actually real sick. Turning yellow with a fucked up liver, uti, bacteria in my blood and probably my gall bladder. Like so sick i can't hardly eat, which you all know is one of my favourite things. Anyway photographic evidence here. Are those photos massive? I'm doing this on my phone, so sorry if they are, i just learned the desktop version and now this mobile shit, and I'm pretty wasted. Plus there's no spell check and I'm shit at spelling, and I'm wasted so apologies. I'll fix errors later when they release me. Anyway it's not all bad being in hospital. Im away from the kids, I haven't been allowed to eat, and now I can I don't want to so I'm gonna be supermodel thin by the time I leave, AND they have put the cutest young male doctors on my case, and when i went in I was wearing sexy as knickers. Yuss. The man said he'd packed more sexy ones for me. He's happy to indulge my fantasies. The man and the kids came to visit and ate a pack of lollies in front of me. I said i might die. The man said he'd be off sayonara, and the kids argued about who would get my bed. The son asked for my laptop, but that belongs to work so noone gets it. They quite liked the idea of being orphans because they'd get lots if sympathy at school and got to live on their own. But they are giving me heaps of intravenous antibiotics, and last night in my feverish state, i remember them slapping some vitamin K into me. Vitamin K is made by your gutflora, or bugs in your belly, so all the babies I've loved and nutured in my intestines are getting massacred along with the wanker bacteria partying in one of my internal organs and my blood. Not real babies. They checked that.... phew none there. Bacteria babies. Anyway to get to the point of my post.. what can I do to fix it, and because you're all dirty and will get sick and need antibiotics I decided to share it with you. So i did some research and found this. Can't even put a link in but its at the bottom of the picture so just read it muthas. To review their suggestions: who the fuck eats jerusalem artichokes. Where do you even find them? Polenta is yuck as. It is like a gross corn porridge, even when fried. No one should eat that shit ever. Tempeh tastes ok but freaks me out, its weird as.
Weirdly I had a baked bean craving before I came into hospital. I pathetically lay on the sofa and asked the man to cook me some. He did the job admirably. Anyway my own personal gut restore program goes like this
Now i feel like passing out, so just appreciate the sacrifices I make for you. My temperature was high as while i wrote this so i had to look like a dick with a flannel on my head in front of a fan because I've had all the drugs they were prepared to give me. So today, the kids were sick and I was sick. I woke up at 4pm and didn't know where I was or what I was doing. I'd had the worst dream that young people were doing cool stuff and I was too old to do it. Which is shit. But it comes to us all, and I used to be young once doing cool as shit.
Anyway I had made pulled pork yesterday but then Jeff, a friend came to stay last night, and he texted me on the way to say "hey want takeaways?" and who am I to turn that down. (Turkish: Chicken Kebab with garlic sauce if you're interested. Which you are) So tonight, I really wanted Poutine which is from Quebec - who knew? Maybe Canadians did. I thought it was from the south of the US. I made a complete bastardised version which is nothing like the real thing. But it was EVEN better than I imagined. It could have been the delirium but it wasn't, and it's like the easiest meal ever. If you have pulled pork on hand. You need:
Put chips on a plate. Pour over gravy. Top with Pulled Pork. Put salad on the side. This isn't even a recipe really but seriously it is good. Like actually as good as if you'd cooked a whole real meal. And the fish and chip shop did most of if for you. You could make your own chips, but life is waaay to short. I managed to watch some netflix instead. A much more productive use of my time. Ok, so I was going to post a recipe every week. but I haven't. If you know me you will know I am completely undisciplined. so who cares.
Anyway, tonight here is the simplest recipe ever and if you don't know it shame on YOU! My kids think I am the best mama ever, but doubly so if I make this for dinner. Eggs! Make it when you're shattered and can hardly drag those tight buns off the sofa. (get it...Spaghetti Buns.... every one a gem) You need:
They will be the hottest thing on earth, so leave to cool for a couple of minutes before you serve them. (unless you really dislike the person and then they will lose all the skin off the top of their mouth. Ew) 28/1/2016 2 Comments Teenage Girls SmoothiesThis sounds like porn but it isn't. I have a teenaged daughter so it doubly isn't. Ew! Shame on you!
One night when teen daughter and I were both tired and had a screaming match which is an occasional hobby, I said she could make dinner. She said she'd make bread, and I could put the recipe here. Here it is : Open a packet of bread. Hand out a slice each. Anyway when she is like this, she is normally hungry, but is past eating. So this is where this recipe comes in. Works on other kids too. (She even thanked me for making this for her in a moment of lucidity - actually she is amazing! love you Baby!) you could even make this for yourself (note I have never drunk one of my smoothie. ew. I'm a bit weird on what I will consume) You need:
1. If you're using chocolate buttons put about a tablespoon in a tall thin jug or plastic container thing and just cover with milk, and microwave for a 30 seconds and stir. If they're not melting then put them in for another 30s and stir well. I use a fork to stir them. Lick the fork when finished if you want. 2. Put everything else in the jug. Add milk so it just covers the top 3. Blend it together with a stick blender. Or you could use a nutri-bullet if you're a wanker. If you used the canned rice, blend it heaps, cos bitd of rice would be yuck in a drink. 4. Pour into 2 or 3 cups to about half way. I pour into 3 because i have 3 kids. I use those cups that look like jars, but don't use a jar because then your teenage daughter will shout and say I use that jar to wash my paintbrushes, and you'll say how was i meant to know because it was in the drinking glass cupboard and looks like the jars from k-mart which are for drinking from, and she'll roll her eyes like you're the biggest dickhead ever and say "it's obviously a jar", which I thought the whole retro reuse thing was about. My bad. 5. Top up with milk and if you're feeling super super flash sprinkle with 100s and 1000s or drinking chocolate. (This is a new development, I used to make super thick smoothies, but one time I didn't make enough so had to do the share and top up thing, and my kids thought they were way better). 6. put a straw in and stir it around - or you can use a fork if you don't have straws - not the one you licked though. Only use a paper or washable one because plastic straws are huge contributors to rubbish, said a website I read (thought I would have thought all the food packaging was really). Mine are plastic washable ones and came with the cups from k-mart (actually the whole fake jar with straw and lid only cost $1.50 each, so are probably made by slaves in a real bad polluting factory) 7. Take to daughter's bedroom and hand to stressed out teen, resisting the temptation to say anything like "drink this it'll make you feel better". (quietly hand the others to your other children, so she thinks you only made it for her) 8. Wait 5 minutes for newly regenerated human being to emerge. 9. Ask her to cook dinner (this is a joke....) Also works on small children. 3/12/2015 2 Comments Best ever Mexicanskill rating: easy easy
mood rating: tired and you've been laying on your bed wondering if the kids could just eat snacks all night but you have finally got the energy to haul your sorry ass into the kitchen and there's sweet f.a. in the cupboard except for the big bag of capsicums you bought on special and felt really smug but then you realised you actually have to eat them. Time: about 25 min You need
1. Put some rice on. I never know how much to cook - I always cook too much. 1 cup uncooked equals three cups cooked. I used 1 1/2 cups for 4 people and then my daughter took it to school for lunch with Mayo on it. Is that good parenting? Don't care just meant I didn't have to make her sandwiches. 2. Fry the onion in a little oil and add the capsicums. 3. Drain and rinse the kidney beans really well - my flatmate at uni once dumped the whole lot in and it was yuck. 4. Add the smoked paprika and mexican beans and a bit of sugar - about 1/2 or 1 teaspoon to taste. Turn down the heat. 5. Now you should chop up the veges but set the timer for 10 min and have a little lay down. Get back up when you smell burning and actually turn down the heat. Dump the beans and tomato into another pot, and fill the burnt pot with water - you can deal with it later. (like in a week) 6. When the rice is done, serve the chilli with the veges - I laid it all out and let the kids help themselves. It is yum! OMG - so easy and so YUM, and only 3 ingredients - 4 if you count the pepper but I wouldn't! This is even easier than the other cauliflower recipe I forgot about (see below)
1/2 cauliflower 1 block of blue vein some milk pepper to garnish Chop cauliflower up and boil in a few centimeters of water - it shouldn't cover it. Put a lid on the pot. Leave until the cauliflower is soft when you stick a knife in it. For me this took the time to go to the 4 square and buy some stuff for the kids' school lunches and back home again. I don't know where your local shop is, or how much stuff you will buy, so maybe check after 15 minutes Use a stick blender to whizz up - it won't be perfectly smooth, that is OK but you don't want lumps of cauliflower in it. Throw in the blue cheese in some big lumps. And eat a little bit of it to check. Stir on low heat, until cheese is melted - you don't need to stir it all the time, just occasionally. When the cheese is melted, add milk so it looks like a soup consistency. grind some pepper on top. I served with that bread that you heat up in the oven, and it was YUM. There was going to be enough for tomorrow's lunch and to share with Amanda who had yuck kale and spinach soup for lunch, but the husband ate it all up. skill rating: easy easy
mood rating: tired. For when you get home from soccer practice at 7.10pm, and your 8 year old and her best friend are dancing in the lounge, and have taken full advantage of the fact Dad is hiding out in the shed and hasn't noticed she's still here. Time: about 20 min - Theoretically it should take 12 but it takes longer. No-one really knows why. Actually I have figured it out, but it is really boring. You need: Pasta Some mince (one of the standard packs) A jar of tomato pesto type product. I used a walnut and capsicum I got really cheap from Pak'n'Save. It was from Italy and is delicious. Boil water and cook pasta In a small frypan fry up the mince - you want it to be really crumbly and browned because that improves the flavour. It takes about the same amount of time as the pasta. Drain pasta and stir in the meat, and the pesto, and top with some cheese (I do use a lot of cheese, that is why I am body shape : Sexy) I served with Edamame beans which is completely random asian-italian fusion, but I really should have put some finely chopped spinach in the microwave and stirred it through. I didn't but. Finish with a Vanilla trumpet for dessert. |